Trying Not to Love You
by Jameson Rook
Summary: "'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far. Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart. Can't see the silver lining from down here on the floor, And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for."


_**Disclaimer: Castle and all of it's characters belong to Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC Productions. "Trying Not to Love You" belongs to Nickelback. **_

**You call to me, and I fall at your feet,**

**How could anyone ask for more?**

**And our time apart, like knives in my heart.**

**How could anyone ask for more?**

**But, if there's a pill to help me forget, **

**God knows I haven't found it yet,**

**But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to.**

**'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far.**

**Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart.**

**Can't see the silver lining from down here on the floor,**

**And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for.**

**'Cause trying not to love you only makes me want you more.**

Castle's fingers hovered over the keys of his laptop hesitantly. Since he'd found out that she remembered, the words didn't come nearly as easy anymore. Nikki wasn't cooperating and Rook was just being an asshole, even in his mind. The characters taunted him, all of the unspoken words between him and his partner lingering in their minds.

He slammed the computer shut and tossed it onto the desk, running his hands through his hair roughly. Why the hell would she lie to him about something like that? She made him parade around with the damned flight attendant. Sure, she was fun, sexy and, historically, everything that he would have gone for in a woman, but she wasn't what he wanted anymore. No matter how many times he tried to tell himself that he liked her, she wasn't Kate.

He had taken her to dinner on so many occasions since that weekend in Vegas, and they'd gone to Broadway, movies, and even strolled through Central Park. However, they'd never been to the loft, she'd never met his mother or Alexis, and he hadn't slept with her. She wasn't the woman that he would want to bring home to his family, and he couldn't even begin to imagine the thought of her being in his bed.

He stood slowly, steadying himself on the edge of his desk, and walked to the picture window that overlooked the city. The lights twinkled back at him, blurry little dots against the velvet black night sky. He couldn't see the stars. You could never see the stars in the city, too many lights. He closed his eyes and remembered the way that they had looked on his drives up to the Hamptons.

They were so bright, the darkness of the highway allowing him to finally glimpse into the blackness of space. He momentarily pondered the possibility of traveling out there someday. He figured that he'd enjoy being able to lose himself amongst the stars where no one would be able to find him.

He heaved a sigh and pulled his phone from his pocket, staring longingly at the photo that he'd set as his background. It was the two of them at the precinct picnic with a scarf tying their legs together for the three-legged race. The photo was of the two of them in a tangled heap on the ground, laughter obviously bubbling from both of their throats, and a smile plastered across their faces. She had settled onto his chest with her hands braced by his head, as if she was trying to push herself up off of him, but his hands were achoring her by her hips. It was one of the happiest days of his life. And now, those days were gone. What the hell did he do?

**And this kind of pain only time takes away,**

**That's why it's harder to let you go. **

**And nothing I can do without thinking of you, **

**That's why it's harder to let you go.**

**But if there's a pill to help me forget, God knows I haven't found it yet.**

**But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to,**

**'Cause trying not to love you only goes so far,**

**Trying not to need you is tearing me apart.**

**Can't see the silver lining from down here on the floor,**

**And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for,**

**'Cause trying not to love you only makes me love you more.**

The clock on his wall read 2:31 am. He hadn't been sleeping. He hadn't been eating much either. Hell, he hadn't really been doing much since he'd walked out on her. He hadn't completely left the precinct, he would never do that, because he didn't solve the murders for her. He solved them to give the families the closure that they deserved.

He shuffled to the kitchen and brewed a pot of coffee. That probably didn't exactly help him with the 'no sleep' thing, but what the hell. He had to be awake in a few hours to start getting ready to head into the precinct if a body didn't drop before then, so if he went to bed it would only make him more tired.

He watched the dark liquid dripping into the carafe slowly, the rhythm of the liquid almost hypnotic. He missed her. She had been bringing her own coffee to work because he had stopped. It stopped being their "good morning", their own little language written in freshly ground beans. It stopped being _them_. He scowled at the coffee in his coffee pot and lifted the carafe before lifting it and slamming it into the sink, shards of glass ricocheting off of the metal sink. A piece scraped against his skin and drew droplets of blood on his ivory skin.

He couldn't drink that damned stuff anymore. It was her, through and through. From the swirling tandrils of cream to the sweet taste of sugar. She'd tasted of coffee that night he'd kissed her to distract the guard. The bitter taste of the coffee overlayed with sweetness and a hint of cream. For months, that's all he could imagine when he tasted it. He thought of the feeling of her lips on his, her hands tangling in his hair, and the feeling of sadness when they didn't talk about it. They never talk about anything. He shouldn't have been surprised that she didn't tell him she knew. It was just something else to be swept under the rug.

He watched the blood drip off the end of his fingers with a sick sort of amusement. Part of him just wished that it would keep going and not stop. There was something thrilling about the prospect.

The ringing of his cellphone pulled him from his sleep deprived daze and he lifted it from his pocket, her name across the screen shocking him. He hit 'accept' and pressed the reciever to his ear cautiously.

"Castle."

**So, I sit here divided, just talking to myself.**

**Was it something that I did? Was there somebody else?**

**When a voice from behind me, that was fighting back tears, **

**Sat right down beside me, whispered right in my ear,**

**Tonight I'm dying to tell you that trying to love you only went so far,**

**And trying not to need you was tearing me apart.**

**Now I see the silver lining, from what we're fighting for.**

**And if we just keep on trying, we could be much more,**

**'Cause trying not to love you**

**Only makes me love you more.**

"Rick? It's me." She whispered, her voice quivering.

"Kate. It's late, what can I do for you?" He tried to conceal the excitement about talking to her.

"I...I wanted to tell you something, but I can't tell you in person because...well, because I'm afraid." He heard her suck in a deep breath and mentally pictured her pacing, her hair twirling between her fingers. "I heard what you said. When I was shot. I heard you say that you loved me, but I told you that I didn't remember, because I was afraid that you were going to take it back and tell me something about only saying it because I was dying." She muttered softly. "I guess what I'm trying to say is...I've been watching you parading that woman around and it had been killing me inside, Rick. I wanted nothing more than to kiss you in front of her and tell her that you're mine, and to make you my one and done. I love you, Richard Castle."

"I...Jesus, Kate, I don't know what to say. You were...you _are_ everything that I've ever wanted in the world. I just...I wish you'd told me, Kate. We could have avoided so much pain." He chuckled, a warmth spreading through him at her words. He didn't think that the smile on his face was ever going to fade. Castle took a moment to try to figure out when all of the anger he felt for her had disappeared. Kate had always done that to him, though. That was nothing new.

"So, you want to come open the door so that we can stop wasting time?" She laughed. It took a moment for him to realize what she'd said, but his phone clattered to the counter top as he sprinted to the door, throwing it open and standing face to face with the woman that he was in love with.

"Hey." He whispered, the smile still plastered to his face.

"Hey, yourself." She replied, stepping closer and wrapping her arms around his neck. "I was serious, Rick. I really do love you."

"And I love you, Kate. Always." She wiped a tear from his face and pulled him into a passionate kiss before leading him towards his bedroom. He spared a passing glance at the coffee pot and made a note to get a new one in the morning. Perhaps drinking coffee wasn't so bad, as long as he got to drink it with her, and he never had to pretend to not be in love with her again.

**'Cause trying not to love you, only makes me want you more.**


End file.
